Farewell, home
by Paasisti
Summary: Tali lost her home and Shepard is losing his mind. Now they try to pick up the pieces and help each other recover what has been lost.
1. Chapter 1

"Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, you are hereby found guilty of treason against the quarian people and sentenced to exile".

The words echoed in Tali's ears as she tried to gather her thoughts. All the feelings she had tried to block away for the last couple of days finally caught up with her, and she felt beaten and exhausted. She had feared for this outcome ever since learning about the charges, but it was when she'd discovered the evidence of her father's treachery that she knew it would happen. Shepard had tried to defy the inevitable, as he had tried to shout the admiralty board down, but to no avail. The board, though shocked as they were, had stood their ground. _So this is it,_ Tali thought, lowering her head, as the crowd started murmuring quietly among themselves. _I take one more bullet for you, Father. I only hope it is not in vain._

Her thoughts were cut short as she noticed a blue glow from her right, growing in intensity. She took her gaze off the floor and turned to look. The light emanated from Shepard's fists, which were clenched on the table in front of them, shaking as his muscles tensed. Tali could only see his eyes through the visor, but the fire that filled them was enough to make her nervous. She had seen him angry before, especially on the original Normandy when the council had had them grounded, but this was something else. She held her breath, not knowing what he was about to do, and took a step back.

"You...bastards!" Shepard exploded, striking his fist down on the table, sending chips of plastic flying around the room as the table snapped in half by the biotic force of his blow. The silent murmuring that had filled the audience suddenly died, as people turned to look at this new show before them. If the admirals had been surprised when Shepard had yelled at them before, they were now dumbstruck. No one had ever done anything like this in a formal hearing before, and the fact that the person responsible was the renowned Commander Shepard didn't actually make them comfortable. Every one of them knew what Shepard was capable of, and that if he wanted, he could do _a lot_ of harm before the guards could take him down.

Shepard took a step towards the admirals and pointed a finger at them, barely controlling his anger. "After everything she's done for you? You are just going to toss her out like a wet rag? I should just..."  
He was interrupted by a hand touching his shoulder. Tali had stepped next to him, trying to keep him from doing something he would regret, if it didn't get him killed first. "Shepard, come on, let's just leave" she said, gently pulling the commander away from the admirals. The last thing she needed right now was a shootout at the hearing, though she wondered if it would really be that much worse than the current situation.

Shepard seemed to suddenly realize where he was and what he was doing, as if awakened by Tali's words. The biotic flames around his hands quickly faded and he seemed to calm down. "I, uh..." He started, ashamed by his loss of self-control and didn't dare to look at Tali nor the admirals, so he gazed across the audience, which was now completely silent. The admiralty board was uncertain as to how to deal with the situation, as it was still highly flammable and the wrong choice of words could set it ablaze again, so they stayed silent. Shepard turned to Tali, still not looking her in the eyes, and cleared his throat, rubbing his neck as he tried to figure out something to say. "I should probably go. I'll... meet you at the ship, alright?" He didn't wait for an answer as he turned to leave and started to make his way to the door. However, only after a few steps he stopped and turned around, once again pointing an accusing finger at the admirals, some fire returning to his eyes. "She just saved your asses. _Again_. Remember that."

With that he left. Tali thought about saying something, but figured it best to talk to him later in private. The doors closed, and the hall was once again silent. It took only a few seconds for the chatty quarian audience to start talking, excited about Shepard's performance, but Tali paid no attention to it. Although she was surrounded by people she had grown up with, her coworkers and friends, she suddenly felt lonely. The admiralty board remained silent, as they were still shocked by the way Shepard had spoken them down before the public, and they were busy thinking about ways to save even a bit of their reputation.

Shala'Raan, caring more about Tali than her position as an admiral, was the first to break the silence. She needed to get this over with as fast as possible so she could talk to Tali in private. She cleared her throat and turned to Tali. "Tali'Zorah, you have six hours to leave the Flotilla. Would you like to request any personal possessions from the Fleet?" Shala flinched as the words left her mouth, and once again she cursed the day she'd accepted her position as an admiral. Over the years she had needed to do things she regretted, but exiling someone who was like a daughter to her was something she would've given anything to avoid it.

Tali pondered this for a few seconds. Her first reaction was to decline and go after Shepard, but eventually she decided against it. There were a couple of items of value to her in her room which she wanted to pick up before leaving the Flotilla for the last time. She turned to Shala, ignoring the other admirals, and nodded. "Yes, actually there is. Can I retrieve them personally?"

Admiral Koris felt the need to restore the admiralty board's authority in the eyes of the quarian people, as Shepard had just made quite a dent in it, and believed it to be best done by exercising it. _Tali'Zorah would not get any special treatment here today, however popular she might be among the people_. "You can leave a list of items to one of the guards, we will see to it that everything is delivered to you before your departure" he stated in a cold tone, trying to show the audience that he was the one in charge.

Han'Gerrel couldn't believe what he heard. He still remembered Shepard's words as he had reminded the board about Tali'Zorah's importance to the fleet, and though she had been exiled, Gerrel would damn well make sure she got the respect she had earned so many times. He also remembered Rael'Zorah, and believed that by treating Tali well he would honour his fallen friend. "I think we can trust Tali enough to grant her passage to her own room, don't you think, admiral?" He turned to Tali, not giving Koris time to respond. "Go ahead Tali, just remember, you have six hours. Don't break that trust and force us to escort you out."

Koris didn't like his authority being undermined so brashly but he stayed silent for now. The admiralty board's reputation had been hit badly enough already, and the people didn't need to see the two of them arguing publicly. _This will be discussed privately_, he thought and gave a curt nod to Tali. When Tali noticed Koris wasn't going to oppose, she directed her thanks to Gerrel. "I won't. Thank you admiral."

Admiral Daro'Xen was growing tired of this hearing and didn't bother hiding her feelings as she spoke to Shala. "If the other admirals have nothing more to add, I'd suggest we call this hearing finished. I have urgent business to attend to and I would like to get to it as soon as possible". Shala disliked the ignorance in her voice but she too wanted the hearing to end, though from very different reasons than Daro'Xen. She turned to Tali and cursed under her breath. She'd never thought she would live to see the day when Tali'Zorah got exiled, but here she was, leading the whole trial. She wanted to talk to Tali, to say goodbyes and perhaps ask about what truly had transpired on the Alarei, but first she needed to fulfill her duties as an admiral, and give Tali some time of her own. "This hearing is concluded. Go in peace, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Keelah Se'lai."

The crowd started to leave the hall as they believed the show to be over and were eager to go and tell everyone about what had happened. The admirals were also heading off, to discuss the events of the hearing and possible follow-up procedures. Soon the hall was empty save for one quarian, standing next to a pile of plastic to which Shepard had reduced the table a few minutes earlier. For the first time in years, Tali felt truly alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Commander Shepard paced around the airlock of the Normandy, waiting for the decontamination cycle to run its course. After he'd left the hearing, the full scale of what had happened hit him, and the anger tried to crawl back in his mind, only this time it wasn't directed towards the admirals. _You just couldn't shut up, could you? _ _No, you just had to go and make an ass out of yourself and get Tali exiled in the process. Nice one, keep up the good work! _He mocked himself as his fists clenched. He felt so weak for losing control like that, and he didn't even know why he'd done it.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of pressurized doors opening as the decontamination had finished. Shepard took off his helmet and let out a weary sigh. He was beaten, both physically and mentally, and wanted nothing more than a hot shower to clear his head and calm down. He'd sustained a few injuries on the Alarei, nothing too serious, but he suspected they needed to be taken care of nonetheless. The thought of seeing Chakwas didn't seem too appealing, however, as he was too tired and aggravated to talk to anyone right now, so he decided to patch himself up later if need be. He stepped out of the decontamination chamber, taking hasty steps so nobody would attempt to speak with him, and took a sharp turn to the right, almost running Joker over.

"Whoa, commander, you might wanna watch it. Unless, of course, you want to send your crippled pilot to the med bay for a month and spend a holiday here. In that case, go right ahead" he stated with a mockingly accusing tone, raising his hands defensively above his head. For a split second the mental image ran through Shepard's mind, but luckily the idea vanished as soon as it had appeared. Not that he'd ever hurt Joker anyway, but the idea of being locked in with the Rayya after the hearing didn't strike the commander as a pleasant one. He was in no mood for the games Joker always tried to play with him, though, and figured it best to just apologize and move along. "Sorry Joker, didn't see you" he said, dismissing Jokers attempt at humor, taking a step to the left and continued on his way. "No problem Shepard" Joker replied, disappointed by the way Shepard had dodged a chance for playful banter they sometimes shared, but thought nothing more of it. He limped a few steps towards the deck as something struck him.

He turned around and looked at the commander as he hurried towards the elevator. "Hey, Shepard, where's the energetic little quarian you ran away with? We're not leaving her behind, are we?" he called out to him. Shepard stopped his stride and cursed under his breath. This was certainly not the first time he'd hoped for Joker to shut up, but now it would've been more welcome than usual. "Nothing for you to worry about, she'll be back soon. In the meantime, why don't you do your job and start working on that status report I asked for a week back, huh? " he shouted over his shoulder, not bothering to turn around, and continued towards the elevator.

"All right, Mr. Grumpy, who stole your Christmas?" Joker muttered as he turned back to the deck, continuing his troubled journey to the leather seats in the helm. "I'm detecting high levels of stress hormones in the commander's bloodstream. That, accompanied by his aggravated behavior and the fact he arrived alone, indicates that something went awry in the Neema" EDI's mechanic voice stated as the hologram popped up next to the main controls. Joker had gotten used to it over the past few weeks and was no longer startled every time the AI decided to talk to him from out of the blue. He sat down in his throne, once again feeling at home, and threw a glance at the hologram before checking the readings on his screen. "Gee, you think, EDI? I'm not a people person, and certainly not a supercomputer like you, and even I figured _that_ out. Now stop worrying about the commander and give me a status report".

* * *

Tali walked through the cramped corridors and hallways of the Rayya, trying to memorize everything she saw for the hardships that were to come. It had been a while since she'd last been there, but for the most part it was still the same ship she grew up on. She remembered following the same path several times before, leading from the main hall to her family's quarters, but everything seemed somehow different now. The people didn't greet her as they used to, instead giving her hateful glances and turning their backs on her. Even the sound of the machinery didn't comfort her as it used to.

_The news travels fast_, she thought, depressed by the way her people had turned against her after everything she'd done for them. It didn't surprise her, though, after all a quarian didn't get exiled without a very good reason, but she would've liked to see even someone support her, to hear some friendly words or at least give her a nod, but no one did. Most of her friends from the Rayya were stationed on other ships since completing their pilgrimages so they would not be there for her. Shala would be caught up in the politics for a while and Shepard would not be showing his face aboard the Rayya anymore, so there really wasn't anyone who Tali could talk to. She figured it best to just get the things she needed and head back to the Normandy, not staying for a moment longer she had to.

She continued on with increased pace towards the lower levels of the ship. There were some people gossiping about the trial, how Shepard had nearly attacked the admiralty board, but the conversation died as soon as they noticed her. She walked past them, her head held high, and didn't even look at them. _I will not be ashamed by a crime I did not commit, no matter what they think._

When they thought she couldn't hear them anymore, one of them continued, obviously shocked by the fact that Tali was still aboard the ship. "How dare she still walk around the Rayya? The admirals should've sent her on her way with that human captain of her as soon as she was exiled, she has no right to be here anymore!" he said, his voice filled with contempt. As Tali turned around a corner she couldn't hear the conversation anymore, guessing she wouldn't have liked what they had to say anyway.

Ignoring the other quarians that wandered around, Tali fell into her memories as she recalled scenes from her childhood. She remembered getting her first suit and the sense of freedom it gave her, as she was finally able to leave the cleanrooms she had spent most of her time in. The whole Flotilla was open to her, and the possibilities had seemed limitless. _I was supposed to be free._

She let out a bitter laugh at the thought. Ever since her pilgrimage the suit had seemed like a prison that kept her hidden from the outside world, and the world from her. Seeing what every other species could do anytime they wanted had really broken the illusion of freedom the suit had provided, and she wondered if she had been happier when she still lived in the cleanrooms, ignorant of the outside world. Life had certainly been easier back then.

* * *

Shepard made it to the elevator without further interruptions. Kelly was away from her post next to the star chart, so not even she had bothered him, for which Shepard was extremely grateful. As a psychiatrist she would certainly notice his messed up state and wouldn't let him have a moment of solitude; worrying about Shepard and making a huge deal of it to Miranda who then would report to The Illusive Man, all of this happening behind his back.

His peace didn't last very long, however, as he heard a familiar voice from behind him. "Hey Shep! Going up?" Kasumi appeared from out of nowhere, having turned off her cloak, and now looked Shepard curiously in the eyes. He was too tired to jump at her sudden appearance and simply gave her a slightly annoyed nod, summoning the elevator to their current floor.

"Well aren't you in a good mood today" Kasumi said sarcastically, noticing his annoyed stance. He didn't react, and she grew curious. She knew she shouldn't pry, but her curiosity quickly got the better of her judgment, so she pressed on. "So, what happened back there? I don't see Tali around and you seem even more tense than usual". Shepard didn't take the bait, just hoping for the elevator to arrive soon before he ran out of patience, and instead figured he should be the one interrogating here. "What exactly are you doing in the CIC, Miss Goto?" He asked, ignoring her question completely. Kasumi was surprised by this and accidentally glanced at the door of the armory, smiling at the memory of the conversation she'd just had.

_Busted,_ Shepard thought, knowing exactly what Kasumi was doing here. "So, visiting the armory?" he said, trying to keep a straight face but failing spectacularly, and a victorious smirk emerged from his lips. _I have her now._ Kasumi was ashamed for letting her guard down like that and feverishly tried to work out some explanation, other than what the commander already seemed to know. "Yes, there was a...problem with my Tempest. Jacob gave it a look and it's working again." She said, trying to sound as casual as possible, hoping Shepard would buy it. He didn't.

"Uh-huh" He replied slowly, crossing his hands across his chest and leaning backwards. He knew that Jacob and Kasumi had a thing going, but didn't really feel like interfering. He would have to, though, if he ever thought it affected their performance. Now was not the time, but he decided to have some fun by frying her a bit. Kasumi was saved as the elevator finally arrived. She made a step towards it but Shepard put a hand on her shoulder, stopping her. "Seems like you forgot your weapon at the armory, Kasumi, better go get it" he said, stepping into the elevator and pressing the button for the captain's quarters. "Whoops, seems like I did. Talk to you later, Shep" she answered with relief, happy to get away from the commander and the awkward conversation, heading back to the armory. The elevator doors closed, and for better or worse, Shepard was finally by himself.

He stepped through the door leading to his quarters and threw his helmet on the bed, a bit harder than he'd intended. He sat at the edge of the bed and started taking the armor off. The adrenaline had long since left his veins and the pain from the injuries started to appear. None of them needed immediate attention, as most were just strains and bruises, but the headache was getting worse by the minute. He grabbed few painkillers as he went to take the shower he'd waited for so long.

The hot water streamed down his face, scorching his scars, but he didn't care. His thoughts were focused elsewhere. The images of the butchered quarians filled his thoughts, especially the last words of a quarian woman directed at her child. _"Mommy loves you very much". That was a lot more than Tali got,_ he thought with contempt directed at Rael's last words. Forcing the thoughts away he found himself staring absent-mindedly into the smooth material of the walls. His injuries cried out as they'd had enough of the heat, and as the shower hadn't actually eased his state of mind as it usually did, he figured it was pointless to just stand around, and stepped out.

* * *

The living quarters of the Rayya were much more colourful than the rest of the ship, as people had draped the walls and entrances of their rooms with colourful curtains to cover the solid brown walls. Tali was once again surprised by the sudden change of scenery as she emerged from the plainly coloured hallways. She made her way past the rooms, which were more like office cubicles than actual apartments, and was glad the area was not as crowded as it sometimes was. Most of the people were working, and Tali was able reach her father's quarters without interruptions.

As an admiral, Rael and his family were privileged to the larger rooms on the Rayya, which were the only ones equipped with an actual door rather than curtains. Though Tali didn't officially live on the Rayya anymore she still had a room of her own, as admirals didn't share their quarters with other than family members. In a few days the quarters would be given for those in need until the time a new admiral was elected, but for now, it all belonged to Tali.

She opened the door and gazed around the room, finding that everything was as she remembered. There was a table and a few chairs at the other side of the room, and two curtain-covered doorways to the bedrooms, one for her parents and the other for Tali. She drew the purple curtains that covered the entrance to her room and entered the room she had not visited in months. It could barely be considered a room due to its size, and the only piece of furniture in it was a small low bed, but still it was more than most quarians had. She was considered lucky for having a room to call her own, since most quarians had to share theirs with two or three others. She had been offered a similar room aboard the Neema as a token of its captain's appreciation for her actions on the Citadel, but she'd declined. Tali didn't like the idea of having a room of her own, as she believed it was selfish and a waste of space that was already limited on the Flotilla, but now she was glad for the moment of privacy.

She drew shut the curtains and looked around the room as memories of her childhood played across her mind. There was a small painting on the wall above the bed, and Tali took it down as she took a seat on the bed. It was a beautiful painting of a small quarian child, standing on a gray planet, staring out to space. The sky was filled with stars mixed between diverse ranges of colored nebulas, but two stars were positioned apart, brighter and more vivid than the rest. She closed her eyes as she remembered the day her mother had given it to her. It was the day she had first put on her suit and her mother had showed her around the parts of the ship she had not seen before. It had been an adventurous day, and when they'd returned to their quarters her mother had given her one more gift. _See these two stars here? That one is your father, and that one is me. You're a big girl now, Tali, but wherever you go, whatever you do, remember that we will always be with you. You'll never have to be alone in the galaxy._

Tali felt a tear run down her cheek as she leaned her back against the wall and remembered her mother's words from so many years ago, wishing she could be there for her now. Despite her mother's words, Tali had never felt more alone as she did now, by herself in her deceased father's quarters, surrounded by people who didn't want to see her, and no one to talk to. She looked once more at the painting and thought about her father. He had committed a terrible crime and gotten over twenty quarians killed by his mistake, and yet Tali had sacrificed herself to protect his reputation. At the time it seemed like the only thing she could do; she couldn't let his father's memory be destroyed for what had happened, and revealing the evidence could have driven the whole quarian race to a war with the geth, or even on the verge of a civil war. She'd begged for Shepard not to do it, as he was her captain and ultimately it was his decision, and though he had tried to talk her out of her decision, to convince her it was stupid to even think about not revealing the data, he did as she asked.

Tali remembered Shepard's final attempt at talking her out of her decision on the Kodiak on their way back to the Rayya. _Shepard took her hand and looked in her eyes with a compassionate gaze. "Tali, is this truly what you want to do? I know this is difficult for you and you're hurting right now but please, don't be blinded by your grief. Your father wanted you to reveal the data so you won't have to pay for his mistakes, are you sure you want to hold it back? I won't blame you if you do, but I just want to be sure you are doing this for the right reasons" He asked in a concerned tone. Tali didn't hesitate for a second as she answered:"Yes, I am sure. I'm sorry I got you into this mess, but please; don't destroy what my father was. Shepard, I trust you more than anyone, please trust me when I tell you this is the right thing to do". _Once again her trust in him had not been misplaced, and though it had been very difficult for him, he didn't reveal their discovery.

Now Tali wondered if it had truly been for the best. Though she had erased all data from the Alarei's computers, there was no guarantee the research team that was sure to be investigating the ship wouldn't reconstruct the data. If they did, not only would they find the evidence and condemn Rael despite what Tali had done today, but they would also realize that she was covering the crimes of a war criminal, and she would face the same penalties that threatened her father, even despite her exile.

Besides the risk of the data being recovered later, Tali thought about her own uncertain situation. Though she still didn't think they would survive their mission through the Omega-4 relay, what if Shepard would be able to do the impossible once more? After all, he had beaten Saren, stopped the reaper invasion once before and even returned from the dead. _What if we make it back_? Tali could not return to the Fleet, so her only chance would be to stay with Shepard on the Normandy, and follow him wherever he went. Not that the idea sounded bad, but what would she do if they managed to put an end to the reaper threat for good? Where would she go when Shepard would move on, leave the military and raise a family on some human colony, far away from everything? What if Shepard died on the mission, and she would survive?

The mental image of losing Shepard once more forced her to stop that train of thought. She had lost so much already, and decided she wouldn't add to the pain by thinking what else she could lose. For all she knew, she would be dead in a couple of weeks, and none of this would matter anymore. She opened her eyes and figured that there would be time to think back on the Normandy, and started to gather her few personal belongings from the room.

Besides the painting there were two things she wanted to take with her. The other was a holo of the team of the original Normandy, taken at Shepard's birthday party soon after the mission on Noveria had been completed. The crew was gathered around a giant cake, though Tali and Garrus had had their own snacks prepared for them, and people were having a good time. It was the only picture Tali had from that time, the only thing that reminded her of the odd family she'd been a part of, and she treasured it greatly. The other thing was a deep blue blanket on the bed, another memory of her childhood. It was made by her mother, and she had filled it with sewn pictures of starships, stars and everything else Tali had loved as a child. As time went by, Tali had made her own additions to it, and the latest picture she had added in was the Normandy orbiting a mass relay next to the Citadel.

She folded the blanket and placed the painting and the holo on top of it, taking one last look around her small room. Figuring there was nothing else for her to do anymore, she grabbed her belongings and turned to leave as she heard a knock on the door. Tali jumped at the sound as she didn't expect anyone to come to talk with her. She checked the time, wondering if her six hours had passed already, but it had barely been two since the trial. Puzzled, she placed the items on the desk and went to open the door.

* * *

Having showered and dried up, the commander felt no more at ease than he had before entering the Normandy. He opened up his personal terminal and tried to read through his unread messages, soon giving up as he couldn't focus. Seeing as there was little else he could do right now but try to sleep, Shepard laid down on the bed, turning off the lights in the room, and closed his eyes. Ever since his resurrection he'd had trouble sleeping, and today he doubted he'd get any sleep without some sleeping pills. He decided to try, though, and tried to focus on something other than the day's events, not thinking about Tali nor the trial. This proved impossible, however, and he soon found himself reliving it word by word, trying to figure out why he'd done what he had.

He had always had some anger management issues, but nothing compared to the total loss of control today. It was not the only change in Shepard's personality after project Lazarus, and sometimes he wondered if he was still...him. At times like this it certainly didn't seem so. _They say people only change when they lose something, and I lost my life, _he thought with a dry grin. Besides the unexplainable anger, he occasionally suffered from sudden cases of depression which he certainly didn't do before his death. Not only that, but he had nearly lost the ability to empathize with people, a skill that had been as natural as breathing for him in the past. It was one of the reasons he had become such a successful leader, but it was a lot more difficult these days. So much in fact, that it'd become difficult for him to deal at all with new people, let alone get to know them. This made him doubt himself as a leader, and ultimately, the chances of surviving the very mission Cerberus had resurrected him for. _Turns out rebooting a mind isn't as easy as they thought._

The only people Shepard felt comfortable with were the ones from his previous life, mostly Joker, Garrus and Tali, and he was grateful they agreed to come with him, even with him working with Cerberus. He didn't dare think what kind of a mess he would've become if they all had reacted in the same way as Kaidan had when they met at Horizon. If they hadn't joined him, there would be no-one he could trust on board, no-one to talk to, and he would be pretty much alone in a ship full of Cerberus agents, assassins and thieves. He'd probably be dead.

Thinking about his past life, Shepard's thoughts drifted back to Tali, and a pang of regret hit him. Even though he'd done exactly as she had asked he felt like he'd betrayed her and cost her the only family and home she had. _Why did she have to ask such a thing from me?_ He thought, raising a hand on his forehead. _Why couldn't she just let me reveal the evidence? The admiralty board would have pardoned her in a second and she would still have a place to come back to if… when we come back from the mission. _He had to pretend he believed they could survive, for if he didn't, why would anyone else?_ Her father is dead and his last wish was for her to reveal the evidence, so why didn't she do it? Why didn't I do it? _His trail of thought stopped there, and the question floated around in the silence of the room.

He took a look at the clock next to his bed and frowned. He'd been laying there for three hours and was only slightly less irritated than before. He figured it was best to force himself to get even a few hours of sleep, so he grabbed a few sleeping pills from the night desk and swallowed them with a glass of water. The familiar numbing feeling began almost immediately, chemically relaxing his feet and moving up to his torso. In a few seconds his whole body was numb and relaxed and the commander closed his eyes, balancing on the edge of reality and dream. One last thought came to his mind before he fell asleep, one he had hoped for so many nights before. _Perhaps things will look up tomorrow._

_

* * *

_

Shala'Raan was nervous. She had been caught up in the aftermath of the trial for too long, and she hoped that Tali had not left the Rayya before she could say goodbyes. She needed to know what had really happened on the Alarei, since neither Tali nor Shepard had actually said much about what they saw on the ship, but more than that, she needed to apologize. She was carrying a crate with her, a final gift to Tali, as she hurried towards her family's quarters. People gave her puzzled gazes as she went, but Shala didn't care about them right now. It was not the first nor the last time she cursed her status as an admiral as she hurried on.

She reached the door to the room she had visited for so many times before, but hesitated to knock. She had been so busy getting here she hadn't actually thought about what she would say. What could she say? Tali had just lost her father and Shala had condemned her to exile, so she probably didn't even want to see her. She pushed her doubts aside and knocked. She needed to see her, no matter what Tali thought, and hoped that anything that needed to be said would come out on its own.

It was silent for a while, and Shala thought Tali had already left. She was about to turn away when the door opened and Tali's eyes looked cautiously from behind it. As she recognized Shala she relaxed and let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh, it's you. I thought the guards had come to escort me out a bit early. It's really good to see you, auntie. Come on in, I just finished packing. " She said, pointing at the table with all her property, and turned back to Shala. She noticed Tali's tired stance and felt truly sorry for what she'd had to go through today. She wanted to comfort her, to tell her everything would be alright, but decided against it. It was better if Tali was the one who started to open up. "I'm glad to see you too, Tali. How are you doing?" She asked as she stepped inside the room, realizing how stupid she was to ask something like that, but decided not to correct her mistake as it would likely make matters worse. She recognized the items on the table and wondered if that was truly everything she was going to take with her. Tali took a seat on one of the chairs and motioned for Shala to do the same. "I'm...fine. Really." she lied, not wanting to burden her auntie by her worries.

Shala didn't buy it. Though Tali was a remarkably strong-willed woman, there was no way she could be fine with everything that had happened only a few hours ago. "No, child, you aren't." She answered in a warm tone, taking her hand on the table. "Not yet. But you will be, soon." Tali didn't argue. She let her head lower and looked at the floor. "I'm scared, Shala" she whispered, and Shala tightened her grip on Tali's hands. She had seen her like this only once before, when she'd returned from her pilgrimage with the news of Shepard's death. Though she had been celebrated and welcomed by all, she had been silent and absent-minded for weeks after her return. It had hurt Shala then as it did so now.

"I know you are, child, but you know you can trust your captain. After today, I don't think anyone has a doubt that he wouldn't do anything keep you from getting hurt, Tali." she said as she took Tali gently by the chin and pulled her head back up. She looked her in the eyes and continued. "I know you have your doubts, but if anyone can get you through your mission, it's Captain Shepard."

Tali turned her head away and looked once again at the holo from the Normandy. "I know he is, and it's not the mission that worries me. If I die there it will have been for a great cause and I'll die side by side with heroes, and I would not regret that." She answered with a newfound strength in her voice. "It is what comes after that I fear. Where will I go when our mission is complete? Even if Shepard would have me on the Normandy for a while longer, he will not be there for me forever, no matter what I wish for. Where will I go if we manage to take out the Reapers, or if he dies?" She continued, her voice cracking at the end.

Shala was ashamed for misunderstanding Tali so badly, for thinking she was afraid because of their mission. She realized she didn't have an answer for her, since no one really could have, and the room fell silent for a moment. Tali had hoped Shala would give her answers, but seeing her just fall silent made her feel

hopeless. Shala tried to work something out, but no matter what she thought up, it was not good enough. After a while she sighed and spoke again in a soft tone:"I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, child, but I'm sure you will find them out yourself when the time comes. For now, you have a home and people that care for you on the Normandy, and isn't that everything one might need in life?"

Tali pondered on her words and realized she was probably right. There was no point in worrying about the future when she had everything she wanted right here. Though she had lost a place she used to call home, she still had another that truly felt like it. "I guess you're right. Thank you, Shala" She said and raised her head once again, looking Shala in the eyes with newly found hope.

Shala was happy to see Tali lighten up a bit, and didn't want to depress her again by inquiring on the events on the Alarei, as much as she wanted to know. Instead, she grabbed the crate from the ground next to her feet and lifted it on the table. "Oh, I almost forgot, I have a little something for you. Hope you like it" She said in a lighter tone, pushing the crate closer to her. Tali had also forgotten all about the mysterious crate, and was now itching to get it open. She pulled open the cover of the crate and gasped.

In the crate was a brand new suit, packed in an airtight plastic casing, and Tali could barely hold her excitement as she pulled it out. The suit she had inhibited for the last two years had taken some punishment and it was already covered in patches. Though it would've been at least another two or three years before she actually needed a new suit, she certainly wouldn't oppose having a brand new one when she left the Flotilla. It was _beautiful_. The suit was rather similar to her current one, but it seemed to weigh less and the base colour was darker than before. Shala had thought of everything as she had placed the order and she had remembered Tali's habit of using many belts to make her suit stand out from the rest, so she'd purchased a matching set of belts, only this time in a golden finish.

Shala smiled as she watched Tali examining the suit, all her worries put aside for a moment. "Do you like it? I figured you'd like the golden colour for a change" She asked, also looking at the suit and marveling its design. Her old suit seemed so bland compared to it that she decided to spend some time designing a new one that would put all her friends in awe. "Yes! It's perfect. Thank you, auntie. I can't wait to try it on." Tali said as she rose from her chair and gave Shala an exited hug. "Glad you like it" Shala laughed, returning the hug. "Shame you don't have the time to try it on here, I would love to see you turn the heads of every man on this ship with that suit" She continued in a playful tone as Tali packed the suit back in to the crate, as well as the other things she was taking with her. Tali simply let out a nervous laugh and closed the crate and looked around the room to see if there was anything else she wanted to take with her. She'd never appreciated Shala's way of teasing her and now it felt even more inappropriate than before.

Shala was amused by her reaction and continued her teasing. "No, I'm serious. You are a very attractive woman, Tali; don't be afraid to show it. I'm sure even the mighty captain Shepard has noticed it too" she said, gently poking her with her elbow. Tali could feel her face warming up as she blushed at the thought, and turned to face her. "Auntie Raan!" she exclaimed in a slightly accusing tone, wringing her hands nervously. Shala figured she'd had her fun and let Tali off the hook. "All right, all right, I'll be quiet now. We should probably get going, it's almost time for…uh…, is there anything else you would like to do before you leave?" She asked in a more serious tone. She would've given anything to not have to say those words, but once again there was no one else to do it. Tali still had some time, but it would be seen as a sign of good will if she didn't drag her stay too long. Though she had been exiled, it was by no means final, and Shala vowed herself she'd do everything in her power to get Tali exonerated.

Tali was grateful Shala had changed the subject, but now the reality struck her once again as she remembered what she had to do. She cleared her throat and took the crate from the table. "No, I don't think so. Let's go, I don't want to keep the Normandy waiting for too long." She said, turning to the door. "As you wish, child" Shala responded, once again surprised by the strength and determination in Tali's voice, and opened the door for her. They stepped out of the room, into the colourful crowds of the living quarters and started to make their way to the Normandy. Tali took one last look at the closed door and a single tear ran down her cheek. _Farewell, home._


	3. Chapter 3

Part IV

Tali and Shala made their way slowly through the Rayya to the docking bays, and Shala attempted to keep Tali's spirits high by telling her the newest rumors on the Fleet. Tali was glad for her aunt's company and didn't mind discussing something else than her exile, but the thought oppressed her more and more as they got closer to their destination. Shala admired Tali for her strength in this kind of situation, as she held her head high and not caring about the angry glances she received from the people.

As they reached the door that separated the Normandy from the Rayya they both fell silent. Tali stared at the door for a while, laying the crate containing everything she owned onto the floor, and turned around. "So, I guess it's time for goodbyes." she stated in a silent tone, looking past Shala into the long hallway they had just left, seeing the light at the end of it for the last time.

Shala could tell that she was scared, and the confidence in her posture was now gone. She embraced Tali in a compassionate hug, and Tali rested her head on her shoulder. "Tali, I'm so sorry. About everything." she whispered, trying to hold her voice steady as her eyes started to water. Tali was silent for a moment, as she too tried to fight back her tears, and finally let go of her aunt. "Don't be. I know you did everything you could to help me. Thank you for being there for me when everyone else left, auntie" she said, taking her hands and squeezing them as a sign of trust. Shala repeated the gesture, stroking her hands, trying to comfort her. "Not everyone has abandoned you, child. Though you are exiled from our fleet, you are not from our hearts. You still have friends aboard the Flotilla."

Tali had her doubts about that, thinking back to the conversation she had heard earlier and to the reactions of pretty much every quarian she'd seen since her exile, but didn't voice her concerns. "I know, Shala, I know." She answered and turned to pick the crate up from the floor, pressing the panel to open the door to the decontamination chamber. She moved it on the floor of the chamber and turned to face her aunt one last time.

"I think it's time for me to go. The Normandy has been waiting too long already" she said, her voice wavering slightly once again. Shala embraced her in one last hug and Tali returned it with a heavy heart. "Remember to keep in touch, Tali. Stay safe out there" she said as they departed and looked into her eyes. She was once again amazed by the sheer determination that shone from them even in a moment like this, and she'd never been more proud. Tali stepped inside the decontamination area and grabbed her belongings. "I will, auntie. Keep our people safe. Keelah Se'lai" she answered and pushed the button that closed the doors. The last thing she heard before the blast doors closed were Shala's silent words. "Go in peace, Tali Zorah. Keelah Se'lai".

Shala kept staring at the closed door, lost in her thoughts. Though she had every confidence in Tali and Shepard, she still feared for her life. She could only hope Shepard would take good care of her. _If he doesn't, I'll make sure he'll regret coming back to life._ A beep from her omni-tool pulled her back to reality as her duty called her back to the Tonbay. She decided not to wallow on Tali's situation, but neither would she give up. Giving one last look out the window to the Normandy, Shala turned around and started to make her way to the shuttle bay. _There's still much work to be done._

As the decontamination cycle ran its course Tali leaned on the wall and sighed. It had been a long day and she figured she needed some rest, both to relax and sort her thoughts out. In the silent humming of the machinery she went through the day's events and was glad it was now behind her. She had been so worried for the past two days of what might happen and now that it was all over, she felt relieved. Though there were still many uncertainties in her future, she now knew where she belonged, and that gave her comfort. The door opened as the decontamination had finished, and Tali stepped in her new home. She figured it best to grab something to eat on the way to the sleeping pods, and started to head down to the mess. The few people that were on shift greeted her as she went, and it made her much more welcome than on the Rayya.

Kelly was already at her station and as she noticed Tali approaching she put up her friendliest smile and waved a greeting. "Hello Tali, good you see you came back to us." she said in a happy tone, examining the crate Tali was carrying with curious eyes. "Hi Kelly, it's good to be back. I hope I didn't take too long back there." she answered, trying to sound less tired than she was, and summoned the elevator. For once it happened to be on the same floor and the door opened instantly.

"Oh, not at all, I don't think we even have a destination planned yet." Kelly stated in the same cheerful tone she always did as Tali stepped in the elevator. "Hey Tali, remember if you ever want to talk about anything, I'll be right here." she continued, noticing her tired appearance, not forcing her to talk more than she liked. "Thanks, Kelly. See you later" Tali nodded as she pressed the button for the third floor.

The mess was empty save for Sergeant Gardner, who was scrubbing the tables preparing for the coming stampede as the crew would soon rush in for breakfast. He waved a rag at Tali as she appeared from around the corner and returned to scrub off a particularly tough stain on the table. "Morning, Tali. Good to see you came back in one piece. Need something to eat? Ms. Lawson managed to buy some genuine quarian food from the Fleet while you were gone, figured you'd like the change" he said, pleased by the results of his work. Tali placed her crate on the bench and thought about taking a seat herself, but decided against it. If she would allow herself to relax now, she'd never make it to the sleeping pods, instead falling asleep right here in the mess.

"Yes, I would. Thank you sergeant." she answered with a yawn, stretching her hands in a wide arc.  
"Long day, huh?" Gardner asked as he went back to the counter and a grabbed a few tubes of quarian food paste from the refrigerator. He was about to toss them over to Tali as the console on the wall beeped. He checked the message and shook his head, cursing silently. Tali noticed this and though she was tired, she wanted to know what was going on. "What is it, Gardner?" she asked, stepping closer to the counter. Gardner turned around and gave the tubes to Tali. "Nah, it's nothing. The commander seems to want to spend yet another day locked up in his suite and wishes for me to go and bring him some food. I swear, I haven't seen him eating down herein a month. If he keeps this up, I bet he's going to get himself killed, if the collectors and mercenaries and whatnot won't do the job first" he said, returning to his tasks mumbling something incomprehensible.

Tali was surprised by the mess sergeant's words. She had figured she hadn't run in to Shepard any other time than when he specifically came to see her simply because they were working on a different schedule. If he truly was shutting himself out like this, something was terribly wrong, even more so than she'd feared. He'd always made his rounds on the original Normandy, getting to know the crew and finding out about their news.

Gardner had collected an assortment of military foods on a tray and was about to head off before the rush hour. "…damn Hawthorne, where are you when I need you…" he mumbled as she passed Tali, who was fiddling the tubes in her hands, lost in her thoughts. Suddenly she jumped up from the counter and turned to him. "Hey Gardner, let me take the food up to Shepard. I'm sure you have better things to do, and I need to talk to him anyway." she said, offering her hand to take the tray from him.

Gardner didn't need to be asked twice, and he graciously gave her the tray. "Thanks Tali, you're an ace. Try to talk some sense into that boy, would you? It would be good to see him around more" he said as he returned behind the counter, going back to work. "I will, Gardner. Have a nice day" Tali answered as she took the tray and pocketed her own food into one of the many hidden pockets in her suit. She placed the tray on top of her crate and began to make his way to the captain's quarters.

* * *

Shepard woke up, feeling miserable as usual, and realized that he was laying on the cold metallic floor. He grunted as he opened his bloodshot eyes, which protested against the light that they were now exposed to, and he tried to get up. As soon as he got on his feet a white hot pain slashed through his head and he was forced to take a seat on the bed. Burying his head in his hands, he cursed his weakness. _It's like this every morning. Every damn one. _

He reached to the desk drawer next to the bed and took forth an expensive bottle of whiskey. It had been only four days since he'd bought it from Illium, but it was already nearly empty. Nevertheless, Shepard took a long sip, emptying the bottle of its contents, grimacing at the burning feeling it caused in his throat. He stared at the bottle, looking at his reflection from the glass surface, as the liquid slowly started to numb his nervous system. The worries and troubled thoughts he always carried with him seemed to fade away, and his mind was filled with a silent bliss.

Cautiously he stood up again, and stretched his neck. The injuries from yesterday and before cried out, but they were silenced by the alcohol in his veins. He realized he hadn't eaten properly for at least twenty hours and his stomach growled at the thought of food. He'd been more or less running on stims for the past two days; that combined with his dream deprivation truly started to have an effect on his performance. The thought of going down to the mess sounded even less appealing than before, so the commander sent a quick message to mess sergeant Gardner through his omni-tool to send something up to his quarters. It wasn't the first time, and he wondered when he'd last eaten down at the mess with the other members of the crew but couldn't recall. Most of the time he was on the Normandy he spent in his quarters, only leaving when someone called for him or when he had to leave for a ground mission, and he wondered if the crew would even recognize him anymore if he were to go and eat with them.

Dismissing the thought, Shepard searched the room for some clothes. Most of his stuff was spread all over the room, and it took some digging to find a clean shirt and trousers. He gazed around the room and realized what a mess it was. He hadn't cleaned it in weeks and had allowed no-one else to clean it while he was out, and most of the floor was covered in his clothes, combat gear and trash. The fish tank was empty as the fish had died of malnutrition weeks ago; their carcasses still floated atop the water, staring blankly at him, sending shivers down his spine. _You can't keep living like this,_ he thought to himself for a second, remembering his former room on the original Normandy and how it was always in a top-notch shape, but that thought was quickly silenced. He kicked an empty beer can under the sofa as he made his way to the computer. He wished to get some work done, as he still had no idea what he would do while they waited for the Illusive Man to find a way to pass through the Omega 4-relay.

The thought of him made Shepard remember the dream he'd had, more vivid than he liked. In it, he had disobeyed a direct order, not remembering what exactly it had been but certain it had been something bad, and the Illusive man had retaliated in a horrible way.  
_"You see, Shepard, you are not really in control here" the Illusive Man stated as Shepard's hands reached for his weapon, no matter how hard he tried to fight against it. "And now, to demonstrate how wrong you were to ever believe that you were, I will show you what happens if you ever betray me again". Shepard tried to scream when he aimed the weapon at unconscious and bloody Kaidan, who was chained to a wall before him, but no sound left his lips. His eyes widened in horror as he realized that there was nothing he could do to stop himself, and his finger slowly started to squeeze the trigger. The Illusive Man smiled as he saw this, and puffed his cigar. "Maybe now you'll learn. You are mine, Shepard." he said as the gun went off._

Shepard tried to shake the memory off, but couldn't forget the feeling of horror and helplessness he'd been through. Though Chakwas and Miranda had assured him that there was no control chip in his brain, he could never be sure, and the thought that his dream might come true one day terrified him. A knock on the door stirred him out of his thoughts. He wondered if Gardner had actually been so fast to bring his food up, or if this was someone else entirely. The commander decided to play it safe, and opened the comm to the hallway. "Yeah, who is it?" he asked, hoping to hear Gardner's grumpy voice answering him. He wasn't that lucky.

"It's Tali. Can I come in, I brought some breakfast?"

_Oh shit._ Shepard had completely forgotten about her and now the memories from the trial rushed in his head. He looked around the room and repeated the thought. There was no way he could let Tali in with the room in such condition, as she would not take it lightly if she saw all the empty bottles laying on the floor. "Oh, hi Tali. Actually now is not a very good time, could you come back later?" He said, hating himself for having to say that to one of his dearest friends, but the alternative was definitely worse.

"Are you sure? I think we should talk" Tali answered through the comm, sounding concerned and even a bit offended. Shepard cursed again, pondering his options, but finally gave in. "All right, just…give me a minute" he said, springing up from his chair, and started to clean his room as best he could, trying to hide what he could as fast as he could. He grabbed the closest clothes and gear from the floor and stuffed them in one of his closets, and started to gather the bottles and cans that were laying on the sofa and floors. He quickly thought what to do with them, panicking as his heart started beating even faster. Then, acting by the most valid plan he could think of, he scooped them into his arms and took them over to the bathroom throwing them onto the shower's floor and shut the door before any cans rolled out back into his cabin. He took a look around and figured he shouldn't keep Tali waiting any longer to make her even more suspicious, so he opened the door.

Tali was standing on the doorway, holding a crate and a tray full of food, and she seemed tired. Shepard was still somewhat shocked by her arrival, so he didn't figure out anything else to say than "Hi", staring at his visitor. Tali was puzzled by his behavior, but decided to let it slide for now. Hopefully he'd tell her what was bothering him soon enough. "Hi Shepard. What were you doing in there, I heard a terrible racket?" she asked, trying to get a look behind his shoulders. He seemed to finally awake from his trance and he ran a hand through his hair while taking his gaze down to the tray, his stomach growling in joy. "Oh it was…nothing. Come on in, I see Gardner sent you here instead of coming himself, that lazy bastard…" He said as he stepped out of Tali's way, gesturing for her to come in.

Tali stepped inside and gazed around the room. She'd never been there before, and she was now amazed by the sheer space of Shepard's quarters. Nothing on the Flotilla compared to this level of luxury, and for a moment she envied him for having a room like this. As the first impression wore off, however, she started to see the condition the room was in, and she wondered how Shepard could've let it fall into such a state. She placed the crate on the floor and gave the tray to Shepard. "Well, he didn't actually send me; I offered my help since I thought I should come to see you. Why exactly aren't you eating down in the mess anyway?" she asked, trying to read his expressions. She could tell he was hiding something that troubled him, and she wanted to help.

Shepard took the tray and put it aside on the table. He didn't feel like eating right now, and besides, it would've been rude of him to eat while Tali couldn't join him. "I've been really busy for the past few days, I haven't had the time." he lied, his eyes subconsciously wandering towards the dead fish. If Tali found out his real reasons, there was no telling how she might react.

Tali knew he was lying but couldn't figure out why. She wondered if she should keep pushing to break through his barriers and decided to try. She crossed her arms and leaned on the wall, narrowing her eyes. "Gardner says he hasn't seen you down in the mess for at least a month. What is going on, Shepard? Talk to me, please, I want to help" she said in a considered tone.

"I have been busy!" Shepard retorted, raising his voice before he realized what he was doing, and looked her defiantly in the eyes. Tali was surprised by his outburst, as he'd never yelled at her before, and she was uncertain as to how to continue the conversation, if he would even let her. They kept staring at each other, and his expression soon cooled down and he continued in a softer tone. "Anyway, you didn't come all the way up here to discuss my dining habits, did you? What did you want to talk about?" He knew exactly why she was here but tried to delay the inevitable. He didn't have a clue as to how he would defend himself when Tali started to blame him for what had happened, or if he even wanted to. _I deserve whatever she decides to throw at me._

Tali was relieved Shepard had calmed down and took her hands off her chest. They started to wring subconsciously as she remembered why she had come here in the first place. "No, I didn't. I wanted to talk about what happened on the Rayya. Shepard, I'm so sorry I got you dragged into quarian politics. I should've told you about…everything. Thank you for being there for me and my father" she said, letting her gaze fall to the floor.

_What?_ Shepard was confused; after everything he'd done _she_ was the one who's sorry? "Tali, you have nothing to be sorry about. If there's anyone you should blame for what happened there it's me. I don't know what came over me at the trial, I shouldn't have lost my temper like that. You lost your home because of me" he said, flinching as he said the last words. He couldn't let Tali wrongly blame herself for what had happened, not when he was the one responsible.

Tali had anticipated for him to take thing this way, as he often took the blame for other people's mistakes. Though he had snapped at the hearing it hadn't really made any difference to the outcome, since the admiralty board had basically decided to exile her even before she arrived. She just hoped she could make him see it that way. "No, Shepard, you are the only reason I still have any place to call home. Thank you for doing as I asked, it means more to me than…well, it means a lot. Besides, it was fun watching you shout at the admiralty board, I think it was good for them." she said, finishing with a lighter tone, taking a step closer to him.

Shepard didn't know what to say. He'd feared for this conversation ever since the trial, thinking that Tali would at least yell at him or something much worse. Now that she didn't seem to be mad at him, he felt like a huge burden had been taken off his back. "Wait, so you're not mad at me, not after what I did?" he asked, feeling the need to confirm he had actually gotten her words correctly and wasn't dreaming.

Tali was glad he didn't argue with her, and took another step toward him and took his hands. Shepard didn't resist, and she looked at his hands and smiled under her helmet. "Of course not, how could I be? You've done more for me than anyone ever has. You took the Normandy to the Flotilla for my trial even though you have more important things to do, you came to defend me at the hearing, and you took the Alarei back with me and didn't reveal the evidence of my father's crimes, just because I asked you not to. You've been there for me every time I needed you. I owe you so much" she said, playing around with Shepard's hands until she realized how inappropriate it was and stopped, hoping that he hadn't noticed. She didn't know why she'd done it, and figured she should've gone sleeping instead of coming here, but it was too late now.

Shepard didn't even notice, as he was taken by her words. Her tone was filled with respect and something he couldn't quite put a finger on, and the words lifted his spirits higher than anything had in a long time. Tali was still looking at his hands, and he could swear he saw a faint smile through the purple visor. He squeezed her hands and replied in a soft, silent voice. "Tali, you owe me nothing. You are my friend, one of the few I still have, and you've always been there for me too. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, remember that."

No one had ever said anything like that to her and she felt ecstatic. She almost jumped to hug him but managed to control herself, remembering that he was also her captain and she couldn't just go around hugging her officers whenever she felt like it. Instead she figured to try to get him talking again, and looked into his eyes.

"Shepard, you are my friend too, and I'm worried for you. I can see there's something bothering you, it has been for a while now, and it hurts me to see you like…this." she said, waving a hand through the room to point out the mess it was in. "I don't know what it is, but I would like to help you. Believe me, I know how it feels to carry your troubles by yourself and how much it helps to share them with someone".

She waited a while for him to answer, but he didn't react, just gazing absent-mindedly at the floor. Tali figured she wouldn't get anything more out of him, and thought it best to leave before she embarrassed herself anymore. "So…if you ever feel like talking... I'll be down in engineering" she said and turned around, starting to make her way to the door.

Shepard didn't know what to do. He didn't want to burden Tali on his personal issues, to tell her about his mental problems or insecurities, but neither did he want for her to leave. If he told her his fears about not being himself anymore, about being controlled by Cerberus, what would she do? Would she abandon him?

_No, she wouldn't,_ he decided. After everything she'd just said, it would take a lot more than a few words to break her trust in him, and besides, he wanted to get these feelings off his chest. "Tali…wait." he said, still staring at the floor, just as Tali had opened the door. She turned around, not knowing what to expect. "I think it's time I…share my trouble with someone." he said, sitting down on the sofa, gesturing for her to follow.

She did, and took a seat on the other side of the couch, setting her hands on her legs. The commander leaned forward and rested his head on his hands, his eyes distant as he tried to come up with a way to word his feelings. Tali waited patiently for him to begin. She could see how difficult this was for him, and just hoped she could handle what he had to say and help him to deal with his troubles.

The room was silent as Shepard gathered his thoughts. After a while he took a deep breath, and started to talk in a distant tone, still staring at the opposite wall. "Ever since my…resurrection… there have been times I haven't felt like I'm myself anymore. Some things I've said and done terrify me, and I think I would never have done those things too years ago. It's not like I haven't been forced to do tough choices before, but now… I _wanted_ to attack the admiralty board, to tear them to shreds, no matter what would've happened, to me or you, and that scares me more than anything. The only thing that has kept me from falling apart for these past months has been you and the others from before, and if something were happen to you because of me…"

He stopped there for a while, lost in his thoughts, and Tali was speechless. For a moment she wondered if she had really been ready for this, but pushed those thoughts aside. If Shepard would open up to her now, she would make sure she got every word, no matter how hard it would be. She placed her hand on his leg to encourage him to go on. He looked at it, giving a tired smile as he grabbed the hand in his, and continued his story, once again looking at the opposite wall.

"Sometimes I get so angry I can't control myself, and most of the time I don't even know why. I can't tell if I'm being controlled by Cerberus, or if they just messed up with my head while they rebuilt it, but either way I don't think I can go on like this much further. I can't sleep without pills, I barely eat, and… I just don't know what to do. So many people look up to me, expecting for me to save them, to stop the collectors and the reapers, but I don't think I can this time. I'm not even sure if I am still me or just some Cerberus cyborg. I fear that I will end up just like Saren, a puppet controlled by someone else, doing horrible things against my will. I just…whatever happens, Tali, thank you. For everything."

_There. Now it's been said. Was it really that bad?_ He thought to himself as the room was silent once again, and he realized that Tali had been correct. Though he could've phrased some things better, he'd managed to tell her what was bothering him, and to know that he wasn't alone with his problems made him feel relieved.

Tali, however, felt quite the opposite. She'd had no idea his problems were this deep, nor did she know how to help. Shepard had always been so confident and strong, and to see him like this was not easy for her. "Keelah. I'm so sorry, I had no idea…" was all she managed to say. Shepard gave her a quick look but soon dropped his gaze to the floor. "It's all right, you couldn't have. I've never actually talked about any of this to anyone. Maybe I should have…" he said, sounding a lot less stressed than before.

Tali felt she needed to say even something to comfort him, however. Not knowing what exactly she should say, she just let the words flow as they appeared to her mind, hoping she wouldn't end up embarrassing herself as it sometimes happened when she didn't think her words through. "Shepard, about what you said… I know you are still the same man you were two years ago, I can see it in your eyes. You are just lost, and you need to find yourself again, and it may take some time. Just…don't give up, I believe in you, and I know everyone else does too. Don't be too proud to ask for help if you need it, nobody needs to carry the galaxy by themselves, not even you. You're not alone here, and there are people who care about you, more than you know."

Shepard kept staring at the floor but soon a small flicker of a smile spread across his lips. He was feeling much better than he'd had in a long time, and wanted to steer the conversation to something less serious. "I must say, Tali, you sure know how to cheer a man up." he said, turning to look her in the eyes. "I may not have your faith in myself, but I promise you I won't give up just yet. After all, there are after parties for a suicide mission or two I wouldn't want to miss. I believe you were invited too, will you be there Miss Vas Normandy?" He stood up and offered a hand to Tali, in an exaggerated chivalrous manner.

Tali couldn't believe the sudden change in his behavior. Not only was he smiling, he was actually_ joking_ with her. He'd recovered some of the spark that had been present in his eyes when they'd first met, and seeing that made her smile. She took his hand and he pulled him up "Of course. I'll follow you wherever you decide to go, captain" she said, failing her attempt at covering a jaw-breaking yawn.

Shepard watched as she stretched her hands in a wide arc and realized she'd probably come here straight from the Rayya. "You haven't slept at all after the trial, have you?" he asked in a slightly concerned tone. He should've known she'd sacrifice her own wellbeing for that of others, and it made him feel guilty. Tali was annoyed at her body for not obeying her orders, but it _had_ been a while since she'd last slept. "Well… No, I guess I haven't" she answered, sounding somewhat apologetic.

"Well, I for one think you've earned some time off. Go get some sleep, Tali. Captain's orders." Shepard said, continuing in his light tone, still unsure whether he liked the way Shala had "promoted" him or not. He waited for a while for Tali to start leaving, but instead she just stood still, looking him in the eyes with a curious look. She still didn't know if his mood had truly changed for the better or if this was just some act he was putting on to make her leave. "Are you sure you're alright?" she asked, trying to interpret his expressions.

He answered her gaze with a smile. "Yeah, I think I'll be fine. I'll come check up with you later, alright? We didn't really talk about what happened after I… left the hearing, but I don't want to keep you up anymore."  
Tali kept looking at him for a while more, but soon decided he was genuinely feeling better, and gave up. "Well, I think I could use some sleep. Do you know where we are heading next? Just, you know, so I won't have to worry about waking up in the middle of a firefight or anything…" she said as she lifted her crate from the floor and started to make her way to the door.

Shepard looked at the crate but decided it was a story for another time. "No, I haven't got a slightest clue, but I think you should know already that anything can happen here. I think I haven't really been doing a good job at this whole "commanding a ship"- thing and there's some catching up to do. Also, it seems like I have to clean this hole I've been living in…well…maybe tomorrow…" he said as he followed her to the door.

Tali pressed the control to open the door and turned to him. "Shepard, just remember what I said. If you need someone to talk to…" trying in vain to cover the tiredness in her voice. There was so much more she wanted to say, but judging my how things had turned out today, there would be more times to talk with him. Shepard leaned on a wall and gave her one last smile, savoring the feeling, for it had been months since he'd last actually had a reason to smile. "I know Tali. Thanks. Sleep well".

She nodded, fighting back yet another yawn, and stepped out to the corridor. "Don't think I didn't see your friends Shepard! They seemed a bit hungry too." were her last humorous words as the door shut behind her. Pondering the sentence he looked around until his eyes met with a particularly large fish, a bubble of air escaping its mouth, and he once again shivered at the sight. _First thing tomorrow: clean out the damn aquarium._

Shepard took the tray that was laying on the table and started to unwrap the meal Gardner had prepared for him. He sat down on his chair and threw his legs on the table, leaned backwards and started going through his inbox. It had been a while since he'd last checked it, and it was crowded with different status reports and mission requests, but he didn't mind. Though she was no miracle worker and Shepard still had his fair share of trouble, Tali had certainly gotten him to a better mood, and he was once again motivated to keep working. Though the food was already cold and soggy, it was the best tasting meal he'd eaten in his second lifetime.

* * *

The elevator descended down to the crew quarters and Tali was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. The crate she was carrying felt heavier than before, and she waited impatiently for the moment she could set it down for good and crawl into her sleeping pod. Her hunger had returned as she was waiting for the elevator, and she'd bolted down one of the food tubes Gardner had given her, and the stale taste of the food paste somehow made her even more drowsier. The elevator stopped and she stepped out to the silent hall. Most of the crew was still sleeping, but some had already got up and were preparing for the day.

Tali noticed Gabby standing near one of the pods, knocking onto its cover and talking in an annoyed tone to whoever was inside. "Come on, Kenneth, our shift starts in 10 minutes. You need to get up." As Tali made her way closer, she could hear a muffled answer from inside. "That still leaves me eight more minutes to sleep. Leave me alone, woman, I just had the sweetest dream"

Gabby shook her head and turned around. She was startled by Tali's presence, as she had not heard her approaching, but quickly recovered and waved a greeting. "Hey, Tali! I'm so glad to see you're back, I was afraid I would have to take care of the Normandy all by myself here" she said, pointing a hand to Kenneth's sleeping pod, rolling her eyes. "I'm still awake, you know, I can hear you" he retorted from the pod, though Tali wondered why he didn't use the mufflers installed in every pod if he truly wanted to sleep, but didn't bother asking. "Then get up! You're supposed to be working here, not leisure-cruising." Gabby answered, knocking the plastic cover a bit harder this time.

Tali smiled at their bickering as she set the crate down next to her pod and stretched her neck. "Thanks, Gabriella, it's good to be back. I'm afraid I need to get some sleep, but I'm sure you can manage. Send me a message if Kenneth messes up." she said, and Gabby let out a short laugh as they heard an offended "Hey!" from the sealed pod next to them. "All right, don't worry. The Normandy's in good hands." she said to Tali and started to make her way to the engineering. She stopped at the end of his pod and knocked on it once more "Kenneth! Two minutes!"

Tali opened her pod and crawled inside, and the last thing she heard before she closed the cover was Kenneth mumbling something about crazy women and mothers. She dimmed the cover and activated the sound mufflers and closed her eyes. The events of the day passed lazily through her mind as she started to fall asleep. It had been a long day, one that she would never forget, and there were lot of things she still needed to figure out, but those things could wait. Right now she was laying comfortably in the silence of the pod, surrounded by friends and coworkers, and nothing else mattered. A smile spread over her face as she finally drifted away to her dreams. She was home.


End file.
